Being in retail, I frequently have to deal with people. And as if that isn't bad enough, I frequently have to deal with very weird people. People who make you cock an eye-brow at the guy upstairs and say "Really? Really? You could've created anything, anything - blue Doritos, a girl Spongebob, giant killer rabbits, even - and you made this guy right here?". They're the human equivalent of the ocher crayon in the 64 pack which can be used to draw nothing but poop. I mean, I'm a pretty fair person - I hate indiscriminately. But these four kinds of people? I sincerely hope there is a shoppers' hell.
1) The Story-tellers. General rule of thumb? You only small-talk to the people you're gonna get married to. They're the ones who need it most to cover up their agonizingly bland life with you, not your cashier, not your accountant, and definitely not me. I might make a sympathetic face when you're telling me you're getting a couple of movies to spend a quiet night at home (like every other night), or when you need to buy a new movie for your kids every week because "Omg, aren't kids so easily distracted?? I swear we weren't like that when we were young! I mean, you're a kid, and you don't sit around all day watching movies, do you??". No, moron, I have this thing called a job. But I am hating you inside. Even worse are the people who ask me if I have seen a particular movie and when I am forced to say no, proceed to explain the entire plot to me. And boy, do they get passionate about it. Every Tuesday a charming old timer comes to work to buy musicals. Afraid of having to listen to the story-line to every single one, I told him that I am, indeed, a fan of musicals and have thus seen most of them. Biggest mistake of my life. Now whenever the 70 year old sees me, he sings and acts out portions from the musicals. After he's done, he urges me to sing along too. I am proud to say I now know all the words to Bye Bye, Birdie...
2) The Awkwards: These are the poor souls who are so used to ordering groceries, clothes and movies online that they are,unbelievably, even worse at contact with fellow human beings than I am. Their bumbling, miserable, unsuccessful efforts at socializing are actually quite entertaining. We have people who turn red whenever they say a word, people who turn red whenever a word is said to them (that includes a simple hi, by the way), and people who turn red for absolutely no reason. Its both cute and sad, like watching a fat kid run and my cat trying to get past a glass door. What makes them annoying is trying to help them get what they want. First you have to bolster their courage by giving them encouraging nods, and then you have to spend precious minutes searching the store system for the obscure nerd thing that they're looking for.
3) The Impatients: Believe me buddy, I want to be here as much as you do - not at all. We all would just like to go home as soon as chronologically possible and woe be me if I knowingly delay either of us. But there are people who came here before you and my sense of justice and equality says I help them first. What's that? You have important stuff to do after this? So do I. I have another customer to help, and another, then another, and then another - and after that I have to go home and feed my cat. It's a tough world, pal.
4) The Intellectuals: We all accept that large, soul-sucking, evil, exploitative chain stores are also human and so we learn to forgive them for their ungainly inefficiency. Not these guys. "Megas XLR is not anime," they tell me, "even if it does have giant robots, time travel, and a witty hero, it has many features that mock the classic anime cartoon. It shouldn't really be in the anime section. Tell me, is there a shelf for satirical or ironic cartoons?". Oh yes, it's right next to the shelf called 'movies mapping out the lives of the main heroine as they move from obscurity to fame and stardom. They are also prostitutes'. These customers also include the type who think they are too smart to need help from a lowly, dumb sales clerk who doesn't know anything and probably didn't go to college anyway - never mind the fact that I am standing right there to help you and I have a 3.9 GPA, asshole.
I feel a funny coming. And zombies.
