Why adults won't swear in front of us and other stories involving zombie gnomes (Not really, its just the one)

Y'all know how this goes. You're sitting in your room innocently trying to not do anything productive like home work or reading, when suddenly the door bangs open and you look in horror at the red-faced, really, really angry being that is your mom right now (or maybe its just my mom who does that, in which case I got a really unfair deal, God). As she gets ready for one of her...highly motivational pep talks, you cower and try to remember what is it that you did this time. Oh yeah, maybe she found out the moldy pizza crusts under your bed. Or the rabbit skeletons in your closets. Don't you just hate those furry little tykes with their tiny twitchy noses and big red scary eyes and stupid long useless ears? Anyway. Wait for it...

"You! You..."


And...stop. What? That's it? Thats all you get for being a crazy bunny mass murderer leaving week-old pizza under your bed?

Wait. Why isn't your mom saying anything? What is wrong with her?!


Oh, thats right. She can't swear in front of you. Heh heh. You watch in barely-disguised amusement as your mom seems to choke on her very words. This is bizarrely fascinating, sort of the way you'd watch a squirrel get run over by a car or a fat man coughing up food.



I'll give you a minute to get over the disturbing images...

Okay okay, I'll give you guys a minute now while I go check to make sure I'm not violating some law by posting pictures of dead animals.

I wasn't.


So here are the reasons why I think parents don't want to swear in front of you:

1) They don't want to introduce you to bad language - Which is pretty bull; I learnt my first bad word at school when in 5th grade (and all the later ones in sad, late night fights about platypus ((platypii?)) with unknown people on the internet, a period of my life that comes back to me most nights at 3 AM).

2) It's all about setting a good example. Adults are probably scared shitless that one day you're going to say a bad word right back at them, or in front of their parents or neighbors or bosses, after which they will have no choice but to drag your sorry behind (along with the rest of you, of course) out in the backyard, beat you into pulp and then fashion a garden accessory out of you.

Google Images will be the death of me. And everyone who is not a zombie garden gnome.

No nice person likes doing that.




3) They are honestly, sincerely oblivious to the fact that you might actually know swear words too. Most adults I know are completely ignorant of the fast pace that society moves at nowadays; my mom still thinks polka dots are "cute." Call it a generation gap or what you will, but some people prefer the good old days where the B word was balderdash and the F word was...fishnet stockings?

This is an insult.

4) We don't live in the 80's anymore, so we don't have to prove our badassery by creatively abusing every single person we meet.

Or by watching Saturday morning cartoons of this guy.

Instead, we use snarky, smart-ass retorts which would've taken a person in the 80's twenty minutes to figure out. It is no longer fashionable or polite to use swear words in society, or anywhere except with close friends and/or in life threatening situations, and people who still swear for the heck of it find themselves being looked down upon. While I may not agree with a lot of things going on right now, it seems like maybe political correctness is a good thing sometimes.

Also, we use guns.















Disclaimer: No animals were harmed during the production of this post. No, really.

Why I should be kept away from guests (and normal people)

Because I'm an axe-wielding, fire-breathing half shark half dragon half voldemort monster thingy who eats whoever dares to enter her magnificent abode and rips out their still beating hearts and takes all their candy, of course.


Wait. Was that too many halves?



Anyway. No. The truth is much, much more sinister. Behold, THE GUEST-INATOR, TWO THOUSAND AND TEN!


Admit it. Sounds cool.


What is the GUEST-INATOR, TWO THOUSAND AND TEN, I hear you ask? Well, my desperate driven-to-being-hair clawing-screaming-mad men (and women, we don't discriminate here) hosts, it is a sure-fire way to get rid of all unwanted guests clogging up your house. And all that unwanted hair clogging up your...okay, lets not get into that. It looks a bit like this...




and this...






combined. And for an additional $19.99 you can get more knives and shiny stuff. Blows your mind, doesn't it?



So what does the GUEST-INATOR, TWO THOUSAND AND TEN do, I hear you ask? Well, firstly, besides looking extremely cool and being a must-have decoration piece for any living room (seriously, who wouldn't want one of these lying around), it also intimidates the hell out of your guests. It'll make sure that once a potential guest enters your house and sees this baby, he'll never want to come over again. EVER. Even on the threat of gruesome death. Even if your house is a zombie shelter and there's a zombie apocalypse going on. Even if they really, really need to go to the bathroom. Even if you have THIS in your house:







And there's a money back guarantee for the last one. Cuz its not like any of you are remotely capable of getting Megan Foz to come inside your house. But still, beat that.

But if this doesn't work, you can still try the ripping out beating hearts from bodies thing. Good luck with that, and make sure to keep the blood off the sofa!