Why I should be kept away from guests (and normal people)

Because I'm an axe-wielding, fire-breathing half shark half dragon half voldemort monster thingy who eats whoever dares to enter her magnificent abode and rips out their still beating hearts and takes all their candy, of course.


Wait. Was that too many halves?



Anyway. No. The truth is much, much more sinister. Behold, THE GUEST-INATOR, TWO THOUSAND AND TEN!


Admit it. Sounds cool.


What is the GUEST-INATOR, TWO THOUSAND AND TEN, I hear you ask? Well, my desperate driven-to-being-hair clawing-screaming-mad men (and women, we don't discriminate here) hosts, it is a sure-fire way to get rid of all unwanted guests clogging up your house. And all that unwanted hair clogging up your...okay, lets not get into that. It looks a bit like this...




and this...






combined. And for an additional $19.99 you can get more knives and shiny stuff. Blows your mind, doesn't it?



So what does the GUEST-INATOR, TWO THOUSAND AND TEN do, I hear you ask? Well, firstly, besides looking extremely cool and being a must-have decoration piece for any living room (seriously, who wouldn't want one of these lying around), it also intimidates the hell out of your guests. It'll make sure that once a potential guest enters your house and sees this baby, he'll never want to come over again. EVER. Even on the threat of gruesome death. Even if your house is a zombie shelter and there's a zombie apocalypse going on. Even if they really, really need to go to the bathroom. Even if you have THIS in your house:







And there's a money back guarantee for the last one. Cuz its not like any of you are remotely capable of getting Megan Foz to come inside your house. But still, beat that.

But if this doesn't work, you can still try the ripping out beating hearts from bodies thing. Good luck with that, and make sure to keep the blood off the sofa!