We are heading towards a Barbie apocalypse. You have been warned.

Someone once said people fear what they do not understand...or maybe he said people do not understand what they fear. Maybe he said everyone fears clowns. Something like that, anyhow. And by golly, was he right. Clowns ARE scary bastards.

But he was right about us fearing what we can not understand, too. Unlike most other girls my age, I never got Barbie dolls. And boy did they scare me. Their half open mouths always seemed to be saying something but not quite, their dead eyes shone in the night. When I went to sleep I imagined their tiny beady eyes following me, ready to leap on my adolescent body as soon as I was alone because they needed a host to carry out experiments to figure out how to become real flesh and bone instead of plastic - for which they needed flesh and bone. My flesh and bone.

Needless to say, I have developed an irrational and furious hatred towards Barbie dolls.

So because I am currently the only one who can save the world from a barbie apocalypse (because seriously, that would just be pathetic) and because I'm nice like that, I realize that it behooves me to show the rest of the world the true, scary nature of Barbie. Here you go, the dark side of every Barbie you've ever played with. Prepare yourselves.

And keep checking behind you because I think I just saw your little sister's doll move.

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Raccoon Barbie looks at you when you’re asleep.

Princess Barbie is about to kick that kitten.

Coast Guard Barbie will polka stripe your ass

Midlife Crisis Barbie looks like your mom

The Handless Barbie doesn’t need to do anything to be scary. And don’t try telling me she has them, okay? She doesn’t. I know.

Exhibitionist Barbie eats babies.

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See what I meant? They're scary and heartless and will drag you off in the night to carry off their inhuman experiments. They will use your poor, dumb ass against the rest of humanity to replace us and take over the world. After all, what's one more human?

Also, don't look now, but I think that doll is right behind you. Sweet dreams.