An ode to Google

I love Google. Google is the BOMB. If not for Google we would all be drooling, armpit scratching, barely developed orangutans without Facebook.








Yes, that bad.

This post is completely dedicated to the awesomeness of Google, and you know why? Because you can find about 5000 pictures of Orangutans on Google for no apparent reason at all. And because Google has actually saved my life. Multiple times.


See, in the Days Before Google (B.G. for future reference) I used to wake up at 4 AM in the morning and have a full fledged panic attack because suddenly, I could not remember how to spell "cat" and all at once it was of absolute, utmost importance to the very future of humanity to spell the word cat. It used to go a bit like this:


"Hmmm. I think I need some wat- wait, how did you spell cat again? It went like k, then a. No, that can't be right. It started with k, right?! or was it c? Oh man why didn't I ever pay attention in kindergarten, what kind of a kid forgets how to spell a three letter word for chrissakes! Brain, tell me how to spell freaking cat RIGHT NOW, GODDAMIT! Tell me or I will- I will fish you out with that hook ancient Egyptians used for mummies and turn you into soup I swear I will OH MY FREAKING GOD WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!"

Don't judge me.

So, it used to get so bad that I got up and started walking around in dazed circles like some unique sort of drugged zombie-mummy. And then when my mom woke up for breakfast I grabbed her, giving her half a heart attack in the process, and asked her to spell "cat" for me, please. I then used to calm down and be normal again for a while until another morning when I couldn't remember what word it was that lighted up wands in Harry Potter and what the name of my fifth grade Science teacher was (it was Miss Ansari, in case you're interested). In the B.G. era, my mom used to live in a perpetual state of fear for my sanity...and her heart.



And then, in one amazingly glorious moment of rainbows and unicorns and golden sparkly thingys, God made Google. I'm writing God here, because I really have no idea who came up with the idea for Google and I'm too half-arsed to actually do research before writing a blog post about it.


The next time I woke up in panic trying to remember what those big animals who looked like monster lizards were called, (Komodo Dragons, by the way. You're welcome) instead of threatening my own brain with a fish hook, all I had to do was boot up my computer and type in www.google.com. Those three magic words. It was amazing. I had a world full of information and hot guys' pictures at my fingertips. It even corrected my spellings. And made me hot chocolate and got me pretty dresses and made me invisible when I wanted to be and gave me immortality.

No, really.

And ever since then, me and my sanity and Google were the very best of friends, and we all lived happily ever after.

The end.