Wizards Vs. Fairies

In this corner, Ladies and Gentlemen: aged over a 100 years, the brand ambassador for Maybelline and silver Volvos all over the world, the Un-Dead...Edward Cullen!

Warning: this program is not responsible for whatever eye problems the audience may face due to the sparkly nature of the participant.

And, in this corner, Ladies and Gentlemen...The Chosen One, The One With Power The Dark Lord Knows Not (and no, its not love. In the R-rated version, it's a bazooka. And Joker. FYI.)...Harry Potter!

Really, people. I'm trying my best to be unbiased here, but the Harry Potter series and the Twilight series? No comparision AT ALL.

For one thing, the artwork on the Harry Potter books actually relates to the story. What does chess have to do with a werewolf (albeit a very hot one) and his 18 year younger lover? What sort of message is the artist sending out to the readers? Is there a message at all? Or is this pseudo-critic reading too much into nothing at all? (probably, but let's leave my literature skills out of this) Also, what's with the goth background and the fixation with blood? Is it because it's a teenage novel? Are they trying to portray the violence and turmoil, the destructiveness of the typical teenager? Really? How stereotypical.

Oh. I just realized the reason for the goth background and the obsession with blood. It's a vampire novel.

But I was totally right, too. You'll know when a twilight fan bites and infects every person on earth and takes over the world in 2012. Don't say I didnt warn you.

Now let's move on to the characters. Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny, and even Luna, Neville and Dumbledore, are some of the most complex, yet understandable characters I've ever read about (are you listening, Shakespeare?) They may be brave and strong and have magic and live in a castle, but they also get detentions and have fights and cry and use the bathroom and do not have shiny skin.

I have a bone to pick with the sparkly vampire skin, as you can probably tell. I'm usually a sucker for super powers, and after x-ray vision, flying, sticking to walls, speed (not the drug, no) and fire-throwing; I am, frankly, not very impressed with Mr. Shiny Stuff here. Maybe it's not a super power at all, more like a genetic disease born after centuries of inbreeding. Or maybe some brain-addled vampire had the brilliant (voila!) idea of biting Barney. And the Teletubbies. And the Art Attack guy. And Steve from blue's clues. In which case I rather pity the vampire race. An excessive number of homosexual ancestors leading to glittery skin is not something I'd be proud of either. It's probably why they've remained in hiding all this time.

Apart from the completely moronic characters (Jacob IS slightly ok, because he talks like a normal teenager, not an actor from the 1800s.) Seriously. No matter how hard a break up you've had, you wouldnt ever talk this way: "Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."
Unless, ofcourse, you're a librarian. Or a particularly emo person five seconds away from the edge of a cliff.

Again, I digress. So apart from the completely moronic characters, this series doesn't even have a decent storyline to commend itself. None of the enemy vampires are really formidable; James can smell really well (he should be in the tax revenue department tracking down people who don't pay taxes. Or Osama bin Laden.) Victoria can...run fast? And look like a cat, apparently. Laurent survived for about 5 minutes against the werewolves, so he's probably either very stupid or very slow. Or both. The Volturi are just like thugs in every other Hollywood story, and wouldn't last a second without their guards. So if you ask me (and unfortunately for them, noone DOES ask me) if it wasn't for Bella's elaborate descriptions of every part of Edward Cullen and vomit-inducing face touching, the series wouldn't last 50 pages.

The one thing I love about the Harry Potter series, is that every little thing that happens is so beautifully connected to the story: nothing hapens without a reason, every character has a role and fulfills it and there is no unecessary face touching. Neither are there declarations of love two pages long. Really, I wonder if Stephanie Meyer had a very intense and abusive boyfriend when she was younger, and Twilight is just her way of...letting her frustrations out? In that case, people, we are reading the ramblings of a traumatized teenager. Doesn't make for good reading.

Although both the Twilight and Harry Potter series are fiction, and rather highly imaginative ones at that, J.K. Rowling has an amazing knack of making her world so believable, and true, that us readers have a hard time convincing themselves its not true. Twilight just comes across as...wishful thinking.

And now, finally, about Bella and Edward's bollywood-like epic romance. I must say, I've been looking forward to this part. As unlikely as it seems, these two depressed souls do have a sense of humour, and it is enjoyable reading the playful banter that springs up between them sometimes. That is, if they have time left over after discussing passion and danger. And Edward's eye colour. And passion and danger. And Edward's eye colour. And passion and...see? It does get monotonous after a while. This is perhaps a good time to tell you guys that my favourite non-existing couple is Ron and Hermione.Unless, ofcourse, Ron really does exist. In that case it'll be Ron and Ifra. Just sayin'

Till next time, beware of the sparkle.