Serious Post #3

"You know, you smell really nice."



"What the hell are you smelling me for??"

A deeply meaningful interview with my Doritos bag

Tis late at night and everyone is lost in sweet, peaceful slumber. Except me. I sit hunched over my tiny laptop, feverishly working on my Facebook. At my side are my trusty sidekicks, a 12 oz. can of Mountain Dew and a large bag of Doritos, spicy nacho flavor. I rub my bloodshot eyes, aware of my dwindling consciousness and fleeting sense of reality. As I reach out to grab another Dorito to replenish my health, I hear a tiny, squeaky voice say "hey!" in an admonishing tone. It is my Doritos bag. I do a double-take.



My Doritos bag: Hey!

Me: Double-take!

My Doritos bag: Huh?

Me: You're talking. Why are you talking?

My Doritos bag: Free country, pumpkin cake.

Me: Pumpkin cake...

My Doritos bag: Yes, snuggle muffins?

Me *mumbling*: Catch me taking you to bed again

My Doritos bag: But thats the beauty of it, sugar. No one can resist me. You cant have just one.

Me: That was Lays.

My Doritos bag: Those faggots.

Me: I actually kinda like Hickory Barbecue.

My Doritos bag: Someone needs to teach you the ways of the world, baby doll. Lays are for kids. Gay kids. Gay kids who are going to grow up to be fat, sad losers.

Me: And people who eat Doritos don't get fat? Or sad and ugly, for that matter?

My Doritos bag: Course not. Probably says so on the packet somewhere.

Me: Then seeing as how I am on fast track to being a fat, sad and ugly loser in no time because of you, I'm gonna sue you guys as soon as I get a law degree.

My Doritos bag: I'm not really worried, strawberry shortcake. Not many sad, fat and ugly losers who make it to law school.

Me: Actually...

My Doritos bag: Don't say it.

Me: So, Doritos. How long have you really been around?

My Doritos bag: 1964. I'm as old as your dad. Haha. Who's your daddy now, little girl?

Me: Shut up or your company is going to lose a valuable customer. I think I'm the only one who still eats those green Doritos. They're nasty.

My Doritos bag: Results of a drunken night with leprechauns usually are.

Me: Ahan. There goes your one last customer.

My Doritos bag: Wait, wait! I'll tell you something cool now. Wanna hear something really cool?

Me: Welll, okay. Shoot.

My Doritos bag: Did you know Doritos means little bits of gold in Spanish? It's from the word Dorado - gold.

Me: That is pretty cool.

My Doritos bag: That's not all. If you rub two cool ranch Doritos together really really really fast, you can make fire.

Me: Nice!

My Doritos bag: This is why...I'm hot. Haha. Get it? Get it?! This is why, this is why. Haha. This is why you're not. Shawty see me drop, catch me on the block. Haha. Ha-

*Sadly, the chip is forced to cut short his tirade as I suddenly grab it and stuff it in my mouth. If you listen carefully, you can hear the last dying verses of Mim's 2007 hit song, 'This is why I'm hot.' Despite the chips depressingly short-lived foray into this world, this feels like an appropriate ending for the little fella. *

Me: I never really did like that song.

Retards, I tell you

Now America, I empathize with the fact that you were given more than your fair share of morbidly fat people*, but that is no reason to take it out on the rest of us. I mean why on earth would we need COMPLETELY SQUARE BLANKETS? Because hey, you know what? Vast majority of the human population does not, and I repeat NOT, look like this:







After all, not many people are just as wide as they are tall. In fact, the average human's girth is just about 1/4 of his height. Someone out of all those geniuses who've made water beds and heck, even balloons beds could've stopped and thought "Hey, this is a crazy thought, but I haven't really seen that many people with the exact proportions of a slice of cheese. Maybe I could, I dunno, make comforters a liiitle bit longer?"

Apparently not.


Not only is this scientifically incorrect - bordering on impossible - but I can't cover my ears and toes at the same time.


What the hell, guys?




Amreekans: 3
Desis:4


*For the sake of being politically correct, I wanted to write something like "horizontally gifted" but it wasn't funny that way. Sorry fat people!

Stuff to NOT do at 3 in the morning

Tis late and night and every mortal soul in the world is asleep, dreaming of the sweet success and love and peace and shiny Wailord Pokemon cards with 200 hp; except for one big glob of mass failure and incomplete homework (You, as if it weren't completely obvious already). Now, as the darkness grows, your tiny vulnerable brain is going to get even more messed up than it usually is. You will feel like you blended awesomeness into a milkshake and drank it in one straight gulp like the badass you are. Like the very soul of the world is whispering to you, telling you to save it from the boredom that is killing it inside. You will feel, in short, like this guy...



...minus the beard. Now, you will begin getting certain ideas. You will want to do something: something great, something heroic, something so utterly amazingly, awesomely supermanly that come tomorrow morning, the entire humanity will worship you and kiss your feet.

All I can say to you is. KEEP YOUR REAR END IN THAT BED. Tomorrow morning is going to expose your wonderful plans for the complete crap they are. Plans like these:-



1) Build a water slide:



You! Yes, you, the one who's completely drugged on coffee! Looks easy, doesn't it? The sort of thing you'd accomplish in about half an hour with some bits of plastic and a hammer? One of those fascinating enterprises of physics people talk about for decades afterwards? One that will note your name in shining glory as an example for the rest of humanity? Its so...pretty, isn't it? Yeah. Forget about it.




2) Eat: Oh hey, its late at night and no one's up, perfect time to stock up on those carbs you've been staying away for a while now...



No, okay? Just no. You will hate yourself in the morning.




3) Try on make up:

This is what you think you look like -




What you really look like -



I'm all against gender streotyping and calling people ugly, but do us all a favor and get a paper bag surgically attached to your face. Thank you.




4) Dance. Dance to celebrate the you-ness that is you:


Or, you know what? Don't.




5)


This is wrong on so many levels. Don't even think about it.