Tis late at night and everyone is lost in sweet, peaceful slumber. Except me. I sit hunched over my tiny laptop, feverishly working on my Facebook. At my side are my trusty sidekicks, a 12 oz. can of Mountain Dew and a large bag of Doritos, spicy nacho flavor. I rub my bloodshot eyes, aware of my dwindling consciousness and fleeting sense of reality. As I reach out to grab another Dorito to replenish my health, I hear a tiny, squeaky voice say "hey!" in an admonishing tone. It is my Doritos bag. I do a double-take.
My Doritos bag: Hey!
Me: Double-take!
My Doritos bag: Huh?
Me: You're talking. Why are you talking?
My Doritos bag: Free country, pumpkin cake.
Me: Pumpkin cake...
My Doritos bag: Yes, snuggle muffins?
Me *mumbling*: Catch me taking you to bed again
My Doritos bag: But thats the beauty of it, sugar. No one can resist me. You cant have just one.
Me: That was Lays.
My Doritos bag: Those faggots.
Me: I actually kinda like Hickory Barbecue.
My Doritos bag: Someone needs to teach you the ways of the world, baby doll. Lays are for kids. Gay kids. Gay kids who are going to grow up to be fat, sad losers.
Me: And people who eat Doritos don't get fat? Or sad and ugly, for that matter?
My Doritos bag: Course not. Probably says so on the packet somewhere.
Me: Then seeing as how I am on fast track to being a fat, sad and ugly loser in no time because of you, I'm gonna sue you guys as soon as I get a law degree.
My Doritos bag: I'm not really worried, strawberry shortcake. Not many sad, fat and ugly losers who make it to law school.
Me: Actually...
My Doritos bag: Don't say it.
Me: So, Doritos. How long have you really been around?
My Doritos bag: 1964. I'm as old as your dad. Haha. Who's your daddy now, little girl?
Me: Shut up or your company is going to lose a valuable customer. I think I'm the only one who still eats those green Doritos. They're nasty.
My Doritos bag: Results of a drunken night with leprechauns usually are.
Me: Ahan. There goes your one last customer.
My Doritos bag: Wait, wait! I'll tell you something cool now. Wanna hear something really cool?
Me: Welll, okay. Shoot.
My Doritos bag: Did you know Doritos means little bits of gold in Spanish? It's from the word Dorado - gold.
Me: That is pretty cool.
My Doritos bag: That's not all. If you rub two cool ranch Doritos together really really really fast, you can make fire.
Me: Nice!
My Doritos bag: This is why...I'm hot. Haha. Get it? Get it?! This is why, this is why. Haha. This is why you're not. Shawty see me drop, catch me on the block. Haha. Ha-
*Sadly, the chip is forced to cut short his tirade as I suddenly grab it and stuff it in my mouth. If you listen carefully, you can hear the last dying verses of Mim's 2007 hit song, 'This is why I'm hot.' Despite the chips depressingly short-lived foray into this world, this feels like an appropriate ending for the little fella. *
Me: I never really did like that song.
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